The Somewhat Fabled Legend of Zelda: BBTDOK
by CoopCooper
Summary: Link has to deal with being unable to talk while his crazy town forces him into insane situations.


**The Somewhat-Fabled Legend of Zelda: Before Bed-Time Daughter of a King**

Written by: Dalton Cooper  
Created by: Dalton Cooper, Conrad T. and Josh Oswalt

**_Disclaimer: _**I do not own the Legend of Zelda characters, but I do own most of the characters that I mention throughout the story. If you want to use any of these characters (very doubtful you would), then ask my permission beforehand.

Link was working at the ranch when suddenly the mayor approached him.

"Link!"

Silence.

"The children of the village have been kidnapped! Will you go save them?" The mayor asked.

Link shook his head, denying the request.

"Right then. Here's a sword and a shield. Off you go." The mayor said, handing Link the weapons.

Link sighed and walked over to his horse, Epona, who was in her stable. However, a blonde-haired girl named Becky tackled him.

"You can't have her until you find my little brother Colon!"

Link snickered.

"Aw, fuck off! I saw the kids run into the woods!" Becky said as she began grooming Epona.

Pulling out his trusty notepad, Link wrote this to Becky: But it's 24 miles to the woods!

Becky shrugged. "Figure it out, Fairy Boy."

24 MILES LATER

Worn out, Link collapsed in front of the entrance to the woods. Quickly, he passed out.

A FEW HOURS LATER

Link woke up completely naked! He looked up just in time to see a monkey wearing his clothes!

The monkey ran off, but Link followed. Stealthily, Link followed the monkey 24 miles back to the village. On the way, Link got bit by four wolves, attacked by a giant vulture-monster, hit in the crotch with at least ten different bowling balls, fell into a thorn bush, fell off a cliff, had his soul surgically removed by a beastie, and lost his virginity to a giant green troll monster.

Once the monkey got into town, it approached the mayor. The mayor couldn't tell the difference between the monkey and Link. Link, embarrassed by being naked, waited behind a bush, which was, unluckily, filled with bees.

"Right, Link, funny story," the mayor said to the monkey. "You know the kids that we made you walk 48 miles to get to and save? Well, and you'll laugh when you hear this, but they were in school! Forgot it was Tuesday. Sorry."

Behind the bush, Link yelled in anger, causing all the bees to swarm out of the bush and land on his genitalia.

The mayor and the monkey looked at the bush. "Look, Link! It's one of those damn monkeys! Looks like it's being stung in its hairless balls by bees. Do that shit-flinging thing you do!"

Link ran towards the small pond that was in the middle of the village, swatting the bees away as he ran. Quickly, he dived into the water, forcing all the bees off of his body. Little did Link know, however, that the pond was home to a giant crocodile. This giant crocodile proceeded to bite Link in his pale ass.

Link screamed.

"Wait a minute…that's Link's girly scream!" The mayor turned to the monkey. "Well, if you're not Link, you must be a slightly more handsome Link look-a-like!"

The mayor punched the monkey in the face, knocking it out. He stole Link's clothes back and then used a…um…bazooka…to kill the giant crocodile. He then pulled the bloodied-up Link out of the pond and took him to the town doctor, Renaldo, to see if Renaldo could heal the giant bloody hole where Link's ass was.

The mayor propped Link up on the doctor's table, making him lay flat on his stomach so the doctor could see the gaping hole.

When the doctor saw the wound, he puked a little bit. "Jesus Christ!"

Worriedly, Link wrote this on his notepad: How bad is it, doc?

The doctor looked at Link then looked back at the huge, bloody, gaping hole where is ass used to be. The doctor gave Link a weak smile, "It's…it's only a bruise."

"How are we gonna fix it doc?" The mayor asked.

"How the hell should I know?! It's not like we can just put Aloe Vera on it! Shit! We can't just give him a couple of aspirins and send him on his merry little fairy way, he's got a huge fucking bloody, gaping, wound on his ass! The blood is coming out of that thing like a fucking geyser! Do you expect me to just strap a band-aid on it and call him okay?!"

"What about the 'Heart' treatment?" The mayor asked.

"Right! Acquire the hearts, mayor," the doctor ordered

Ten minutes passed until the mayor returned with two hearts.

Link stared at the hearts for a moment. Then he wrote on his notepad: Where did you get them?

Nervously, the mayor glanced at the doctor. The mayor then replied, "They're chicken hearts."

Link stared at the hearts suspiciously. He then wrote on his notepad: They look a little big to be from chickens.

The mayor replied, "Um…well…they were…McDonald's grilled chicken."

Link nodded understandingly. He then picked up the hearts and began eating them. Blood dribbled down the side of his face as he bit into each heart. He squeezed the very blood out of them as he continued scarfing them down.

When Link was finished, his ass had regenerated. He wrote on his notepad: I can't wait to get home to my wife and child!

"Oh, right, right, guess I should tell you now, then. I got those hearts FROM your wife and child. See, funny story, you'll laugh when you hear this. They were selling some of their prized possessions to get you that bow you wanted for Christmas and I hacked them to tiny pieces! Funny, right?" The mayor asked with a tint of fear present in his voice.

Link quickly put his clothes back on and then stabbed the mayor through the throat. The mayor fell to the floor, dead, in a pool of blood.

"That's it, Link! We banish you from this village!" The doctor warned.

A day later, Link left his village. As he walked through the woods, Becky rode over to him on Epona.

"Listen, Link, I'm sorry about earlier and telling you to fuck off. What I really meant is…eh…I like your eyes. Yeah, that's what I meant," Becky said as she dismounted Epona and approached Link.

Link reached for his notepad, but he forgot it at the village!

"You know, Link, I've had a crush on you for a long time…"

Frantically, Link searched for the notepad.

"I was thinking about it…and…I'm ready to give myself to you…right here…right now…"

Link tried to gesture to Becky that he lost his notepad, but she couldn't understand his wild flailing of his arms.

"Well, if you don't have anything to say to me, then you can just go fuck yourself, Link! I was going to go down on you and let you fuck me, but fine, if you don't want to then that's your choice, Fairy Boy!"

Suddenly, a large green troll on riding a huge boar rode up to Link and Becky. The green troll was wielding a large club made out of steel. With a roar, the green troll smacked Becky in the back of the head with the steel club, making her fall to the ground.

Quickly, Link tried to shield himself with his wooden shield. Lowering the shield, Link looked at it and rolled his eyes. Just when he was about to swear, the green troll smacked him to the ground with the metal club.


End file.
